On being a sponge

That's exactly how I've been feeling lately...just like a sponge.  

Although if truth be told, I'm not altogether certain how well I'm soaking in all the information that's being thrown my way.  My brain doesn't enjoy being overloaded these days.  I'm way past my student days, unless of course it's something that I love and enjoy learning about.  

That's a different story.

I'd briefly mentioned in weeks past that I've recently been diagnosed as having CKD, chronic kidney disease.  Oh the joy.  We all have something that we deal with in our lifetimes, and this apparently is mine.  I've had high blood pressure for years, probably even much longer than I'd realized, and my doc now believes this is the likely cause of my CKD.  I also have Type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol and occasional bouts of depression that we've determined to be SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Good grief, I sound like a basket case!  Taking all this into consideration, I hardly ever get sick.  I feel good most of the time, with occasional tiredness, which I've always associated with physical work and mental stresses from my job and life.  Normal stuff.  I'm pretty active, but like most people, could certainly do well with much more physical activity.  But seriously, how can so many different things be out of whack in my body and I have absolutely no clue???  Luckily, I guess, we've diagnosed my issue fairly early on.  They say I'm Stage 3 in CKD, about the middle of that level of classification.  Scared the hell outa me!  My mom had diabetes and died from renal failure, and was on dialysis for over 6 long years.  I'd just rather die than go through what she did.  Of that, I'm certain.  However, come to find out, there were other options than what we/she were told about.  Gotta love doctors!  Had my mom been given some of these newer and better options, who knows how much longer she may have lived...water under the bridge at this point though.  Just makes me so sad to realize all these years later that we were not given all the information that certainly could have proved very useful in her strategy and choices in care.  We took what they told us with faith that they were acting on my mom's best behalf.  Live and learn my friends, live and learn.  Anyway, I digress...

I am nowhere near needing dialysis.  Thankfully!  I will have to watch my diet choices more closely, and monitor my meds more carefully, get even more regular exercise, try harder to lose more weight, get more education about this disease and how everything I do and eat will affect my kidneys.  My brain is beyond its' saturation point.  Totally.  I need to make one more appointment with a renal dietitian (spelling?), and also my kidney dietitian to make sure I'm making healthy choices, and to make sure the two coincide and then, hopefully I'm finished for a good, long while with doctors.  How I hate going to doctors!  But, I do realize that a little of that now, will go a long ways in preventing future visits that I'd enjoy even less.  *sigh*  My granny was right...life's a bitch and then you die.  Sorry, I don't mean to sound morose, but like I said, I'm overwhelmed and I'm tired. 

My commitment to writing on my blog for 30 days in a row is kaput, and frankly I don't even care.  Sorry.  I did give it a pretty good go, for me!  :)  But having said that, I will try to write with more regularity, even if just for myself; which is why I started writing here in the first place.  This is my journal.  My recorded life and all the happenings in my life.  Well, some of the happenings in my life anyway.  

So, enough of that crap!  As always, I've been feeling blessed and so very thankful for so many things in my life.  We all need to remember that life is never perfect, not for any of us, so we acknowledge what we have to give thanks for, and move on.  Because this life, it's pretty darn good!!  I focus on the good, pray, give thanks and enjoy all the blessings that I have, and all the not so good things just fade into the background.  Exactly where they should be!!  Live, love, laugh...that's what we shall focus on!!  

If there's one thing that I know for sure - it's that we all need to be ready, all the time, to say good-bye to this wonderful life and be rock-solid in our relationship with our Maker, for not a single one of us knows when our exit shall take place.  But we will all certainly, have our time.  So get ready!  Then enjoy your life!  There's so much in this world to see, do, experience and enjoy.  There's sure a lot more that I want to do.  

I've been working with Eagle and we're progressing nicely.  We continue to enjoy baby steps of building trust and confidence every single day.  There are times I grow impatient for more, but have to quell that feeling and enjoy the journey.  Isn't that where the joy is involved in everything?  The journey that we experience, not necessarily the destination. I'm able to position Eags at the block, climb aboard and do lots of fussing, slapping stirrups, and even putting my foot in the stirrup and applying some pressure.  He still lifts his head, which is a sign of brace, but there are times he doesn't, and when he's relaxed he typically looks back at me with a genuine look of acceptance and trust.  That is what we want!  I haven't attempted to actually mount and sit on him yet, because I want that quiet reaction and expression routinely before I get on him.  But like I said, progress is being made and I am so happy about that.  Consistency is key, I've always known that, but I have to consider our time spent together a priority in my life, not anything less if I want to start riding and enjoying this horse outside our roundpen or pasture.  I'll get out of this relationship, just what I'm willing to put into it.  Sound familiar?

So, remember I'd mentioned that I left a message for Rachel (trainer, gosh I hate that word!) on her phone and privately on Facebook last Friday?  Well...I'm still waiting to hear from her.  That scares me.  Because if she isn't willing to meet my horse, and meet with me to discuss everything, before our scheduled time begins, how am I supposed to make an educated decision if she's the person I want working with my horse, and with me?  This is vital to me, and if she isn't the right person, I need to start looking for someone else right away.  Communication is very important, and this isn't a good sign.  I absolutely have to be able to trust the person who I'm choosing to spend private time with my horse.  And, unfortunately I don't place much faith in very many "professionals" who work with other people's horses.  It's a scary world of people who refer to themselves as "trainers".  I'd prefer a real horseman, but they are very few and far between.  

Our spring weather has been pretty typical in my opinion.  We've had nice, warm days with plenty of sunshine, we had 80 degrees this past Monday and it was followed by a rather cold, frosty morning and some showers intermixed with sun breaks for most of this remaining week.  Our forecast calls for more of the same...showers, sunshine, breezes and temps in the 60's for the next several days.  Our grass is growing at breakneck speed, at least in the areas where the horses don't keep it nipped at the ground and they're having no trouble at all maintaining their "figures".  Our hay supply continues to dwindle and we've cut rations to about half, with no apparent loss of weight.  Ahem...they think they're being starved though.  Seriously.  Poor babies.

Hope all is well with all of you.
Blessings and until tomorrow (?),
Lorie