Thursday, April 23, 2015

On being a sponge

That's exactly how I've been feeling lately...just like a sponge.  

Although if truth be told, I'm not altogether certain how well I'm soaking in all the information that's being thrown my way.  My brain doesn't enjoy being overloaded these days.  I'm way past my student days, unless of course it's something that I love and enjoy learning about.  

That's a different story.

I'd briefly mentioned in weeks past that I've recently been diagnosed as having CKD, chronic kidney disease.  Oh the joy.  We all have something that we deal with in our lifetimes, and this apparently is mine.  I've had high blood pressure for years, probably even much longer than I'd realized, and my doc now believes this is the likely cause of my CKD.  I also have Type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol and occasional bouts of depression that we've determined to be SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Good grief, I sound like a basket case!  Taking all this into consideration, I hardly ever get sick.  I feel good most of the time, with occasional tiredness, which I've always associated with physical work and mental stresses from my job and life.  Normal stuff.  I'm pretty active, but like most people, could certainly do well with much more physical activity.  But seriously, how can so many different things be out of whack in my body and I have absolutely no clue???  Luckily, I guess, we've diagnosed my issue fairly early on.  They say I'm Stage 3 in CKD, about the middle of that level of classification.  Scared the hell outa me!  My mom had diabetes and died from renal failure, and was on dialysis for over 6 long years.  I'd just rather die than go through what she did.  Of that, I'm certain.  However, come to find out, there were other options than what we/she were told about.  Gotta love doctors!  Had my mom been given some of these newer and better options, who knows how much longer she may have lived...water under the bridge at this point though.  Just makes me so sad to realize all these years later that we were not given all the information that certainly could have proved very useful in her strategy and choices in care.  We took what they told us with faith that they were acting on my mom's best behalf.  Live and learn my friends, live and learn.  Anyway, I digress...

I am nowhere near needing dialysis.  Thankfully!  I will have to watch my diet choices more closely, and monitor my meds more carefully, get even more regular exercise, try harder to lose more weight, get more education about this disease and how everything I do and eat will affect my kidneys.  My brain is beyond its' saturation point.  Totally.  I need to make one more appointment with a renal dietitian (spelling?), and also my kidney dietitian to make sure I'm making healthy choices, and to make sure the two coincide and then, hopefully I'm finished for a good, long while with doctors.  How I hate going to doctors!  But, I do realize that a little of that now, will go a long ways in preventing future visits that I'd enjoy even less.  *sigh*  My granny was's a bitch and then you die.  Sorry, I don't mean to sound morose, but like I said, I'm overwhelmed and I'm tired. 

My commitment to writing on my blog for 30 days in a row is kaput, and frankly I don't even care.  Sorry.  I did give it a pretty good go, for me!  :)  But having said that, I will try to write with more regularity, even if just for myself; which is why I started writing here in the first place.  This is my journal.  My recorded life and all the happenings in my life.  Well, some of the happenings in my life anyway.  

So, enough of that crap!  As always, I've been feeling blessed and so very thankful for so many things in my life.  We all need to remember that life is never perfect, not for any of us, so we acknowledge what we have to give thanks for, and move on.  Because this life, it's pretty darn good!!  I focus on the good, pray, give thanks and enjoy all the blessings that I have, and all the not so good things just fade into the background.  Exactly where they should be!!  Live, love, laugh...that's what we shall focus on!!  

If there's one thing that I know for sure - it's that we all need to be ready, all the time, to say good-bye to this wonderful life and be rock-solid in our relationship with our Maker, for not a single one of us knows when our exit shall take place.  But we will all certainly, have our time.  So get ready!  Then enjoy your life!  There's so much in this world to see, do, experience and enjoy.  There's sure a lot more that I want to do.  

I've been working with Eagle and we're progressing nicely.  We continue to enjoy baby steps of building trust and confidence every single day.  There are times I grow impatient for more, but have to quell that feeling and enjoy the journey.  Isn't that where the joy is involved in everything?  The journey that we experience, not necessarily the destination. I'm able to position Eags at the block, climb aboard and do lots of fussing, slapping stirrups, and even putting my foot in the stirrup and applying some pressure.  He still lifts his head, which is a sign of brace, but there are times he doesn't, and when he's relaxed he typically looks back at me with a genuine look of acceptance and trust.  That is what we want!  I haven't attempted to actually mount and sit on him yet, because I want that quiet reaction and expression routinely before I get on him.  But like I said, progress is being made and I am so happy about that.  Consistency is key, I've always known that, but I have to consider our time spent together a priority in my life, not anything less if I want to start riding and enjoying this horse outside our roundpen or pasture.  I'll get out of this relationship, just what I'm willing to put into it.  Sound familiar?

So, remember I'd mentioned that I left a message for Rachel (trainer, gosh I hate that word!) on her phone and privately on Facebook last Friday?  Well...I'm still waiting to hear from her.  That scares me.  Because if she isn't willing to meet my horse, and meet with me to discuss everything, before our scheduled time begins, how am I supposed to make an educated decision if she's the person I want working with my horse, and with me?  This is vital to me, and if she isn't the right person, I need to start looking for someone else right away.  Communication is very important, and this isn't a good sign.  I absolutely have to be able to trust the person who I'm choosing to spend private time with my horse.  And, unfortunately I don't place much faith in very many "professionals" who work with other people's horses.  It's a scary world of people who refer to themselves as "trainers".  I'd prefer a real horseman, but they are very few and far between.  

Our spring weather has been pretty typical in my opinion.  We've had nice, warm days with plenty of sunshine, we had 80 degrees this past Monday and it was followed by a rather cold, frosty morning and some showers intermixed with sun breaks for most of this remaining week.  Our forecast calls for more of the same...showers, sunshine, breezes and temps in the 60's for the next several days.  Our grass is growing at breakneck speed, at least in the areas where the horses don't keep it nipped at the ground and they're having no trouble at all maintaining their "figures".  Our hay supply continues to dwindle and we've cut rations to about half, with no apparent loss of weight.  Ahem...they think they're being starved though.  Seriously.  Poor babies.

Hope all is well with all of you.
Blessings and until tomorrow (?),


Gail said...

You are in my prayers.

Annette Mickelson said...

It sounds like you are on top of your medical issues from a management perspective. Keep up the good work. Losing weight -- I wish you luck. I've had a really difficult time with that one. It seems like once you get north of 50 and menopause, you can forget about weight loss. That's just my personal rant on the subject. I'm with you on the trainer front. So many people hang out a shingle and have no business doing so. We worked with one of those with Winston for a very short time when we moved up. I didn't like her approach ... and she really had no qualifications. Good luck all the way around.

Ian H said...

Hang in there. There are lots of people in blogland pulling for you, and more important, praying for you!

Grey Horse Matters said...

I'm sorry to hear about your medical issues but I think you know how to take care of yourself. Losing weight and exercise is the key. Of course, if I followed that line of thought I'd be much thinner and healthier myself! It's just so hard to stick with it when you only see a pound or two drop very slowly.

Sounds like Eagle is coming along. I agree with you about trusting a "trainer". I've seen a lot of them in my time that I wouldn't let walk my dog let alone try and ride/train my horse. But you never know when you'll find a good one you can respect. Good luck with everything.

Ranch Girl Diaries said...

Ack, health issues! My mom and aunts all have fibriomyalgia! I pray I don't get it. I see my mom SO tired sometimes. It is a scary thing, the way your body can feel. I worry about the hubby all the time, he has type I diabetes (teenage onset.)
I agree with the going slow!! It's my new mantra. I so enjoyed the book I just read by Mark Rashid. It just connects with me. I really see so little purpose now with so much that is done with horses, for competition, etc. It has really become about the big Win. How to make the buck, how to be the best, how to make money. Not about the horse or love of them. All I want to do is ride, ride, ride, and want it to be safe, fun and enjoyable for me and my horse. In their element, on the trail, the closest to natural for them. Anyhoo, I'll get off my soapbox. I hope you hear from Rachel soon. Don't give up on her. Every trainer I've ever known is always SO busy they pretty much operate their offices off horseback! Take care, my friend!!

C-ingspots said...

Thank you Gail.

Annette: Thanks, I agree about losing weight...very difficult!

Ian: Thank you

Arlyne: Thanks, and we'd all be skinny if it were so easy, right?

RG: I have lots of Mark Rashid books and love them all. So glad you're enjoying them too. Your goals and mine are exactly the same! Sorry to hear about your mom's and aunt's health issues, and your hubby's. Just means they have to be more careful than the average person.

aurora said...

The stuff you really need to know will stick, we can only replace so many files in our head at one time! Aging is scary for all of us, thankfully there is so much more info available & accessible then even a few years ago. Glad you are getting things sorted out to take good care of you!! I totally get your concern with not hearing back from the trainer, but wouldn't give up on her yet either. Altho I always wonder how hard can it really be to give a quick response back? Could be a lot of reasons why, including travel etc. I've found some people are just bad/dislike the business side of things, but are excellent in their field. It's helped me to find out their communication preference and best time of day. Then again, sometimes it's just part of the package... Good luck, if she doesn't work out I've no doubt you'll find someone who does!

Michaele said...

Oh gosh you have a lot to deal with right now. I can tell from your words that you are determined to do what it takes to help yourself and not just leave it up to the doctors or call it fate.
When you were talking about your 'ahem' trainer - I just knew Annette would chime in about that. You horse women have a lot in common.