Friday, January 23, 2015

Raindrops on roses

and whiskers on kittens, brown paper packages, warm woolen mittens.  You know how the song goes.  Some of my favorite things...




Well, today the raindrops feel pretty appropriate for how I'm feeling.  My hubs would say I've got the "dear oh dears" and my sweet mom would tell me I've got the blues.  Either way, they'd both be right.  I'm so sad today.  Watching my dear, sweet Annie and seeing that expression on her face, lets me know that our time is near.  Oh God...

I thought I was prepared.  I thought I had everything under control, including my emotions. I kept telling myself that Annie has led a very good life, and it's true, she has.  But it hasn't been long enough!  I'm so not ready to say good-bye to my girl.  How I wish I could have a different ending to our story.  My mind keeps saying that this will be a much better ending than some I've lived through, and that's true.  Annie hasn't experienced a sick day in her life.  Also true.  Annie has been loved and spoiled and given pretty much anything and everything her precious little heart has desired, she's gone almost everywhere I've gone forever.  She's had grand adventures, she's played, she's chased squirrels, she's played "kick ball" with dad, she's swam, chased sticks, had mom all to herself for about a year, and the other times she's had companions.  All true...but I want more. 

I am so greedy.  I don't think we've had enough, and I want so much more.  Last night after work and dinner, Ruby and I headed out to the barn.  My hubs had been home and the chores were finished except for the grains.  I spent some time with everybody; hugs, kisses, scratches and such.  I buried my nose in Harley's sweet-smelling neck and just lost it.  I don't know where they came from, but the tears flowed and I started to bawl like a baby.   I felt so lost.  Like I just couldn't take any more of what felt like everything with everybody going wrong.  I felt deep resentment and anger on Harley's behalf for his blindness at such a young age.  I felt like Missy's feet were never going to get better and what a waste of such a good horse.  And Annie, who's never done anything unkind in her entire life?  Why did she have to die before her time?  And then all of my anger and hurt just went away.  Only a deep sense of sadness remained.  I told God that I had trust in Him.  I didn't like what was happening, and I didn't understand, but I knew that He did. And that whatever would happen in my life and with these beautiful animals that He's entrusted to our care - whatever may come, we will trust and have faith that we'll all be okay.  My heart felt so much peace in that moment.  Dying sucks!  And I hate it.  Absolutely not one of my favorite things, but like Ray once told me, "you have to go through it, to get past it", and then he smiled and told me, "try it again".  And I did.  And it was alright.  That's how I feel about all the wrongs that I see in my life.  I don't have to like them, but I do have to get through them, to move on.  Unfortunately, in this life, here on this planet, death is a very natural part of life.  I will never like it, don't believe for one minute that it's what God had planned.  But here we are.  It hurts and will never be something I will get used to.  But, I know that everything works out in the end.  We will be okay.  

And you know what else I know?  My Annie is worth every single bit of this pain and hurt.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.  If only I could...

And I can honestly say that about everyone I've lost in my life.  My grandma, my dad, my mom, horses, dogs, cats, friends I've loved.  I wouldn't have missed it for the world.  Nope.  

I am so blessed to have this beautiful, yellow dog in my life.  Oh God...so thankful for her.  And poor Harley, I really think I scared him last night.  He was very concerned and nuzzled his lips in my hair and sent goose shivers down my back.  Before I realized what was happening, he had me giggling through my tears.  What would life be worth without moments like that?  

It's those little things that we experience, and keep tucked inside our hearts as memories, that bring such deep and profound joy.  And makes it all so worthwhile...






We've had so many good times.  :)

12 comments:

Michelle said...

So, so hard – the hardest, most painful thing to endure, IMO. I think it's because, like Wendy Francisco's song says, dogs reflect a part of God, and love us unconditionally, passionately, joyfully. I wish I could grant you decades more with Annie; I wish there was SOMEthing I could do to make this easier. But all I can do is cry in knowing pain....

The Dancing Donkey said...

I'm so, so sorry. They just don't stay with us long enough.

Grey Horse Matters said...

It's one of the hardest things to deal with but like you say we have to do it whether we like it or not. And then we have to go past it. Poor Annie she's such a special dog and she has had a wonderful life but that doesn't make it any easier. Hang in there and remember the good times and all the love she gave and received.

Kate said...

You can't prepare for something like that, or for any of the other trials we and our animals go through. All you can do is get through it, relying on the love you have for them and your faith, family and friends. Wish I was there to give you a hug . . .

aurora said...

Beautiful sentiments, so tender and relatable. I can feel your tremendous ache Lorie...it's okay to do whatever feels right. Love lives forever *hugs*

T.L. Merrybard said...

I'm crying for you. And for me, and for everyone who loses a beloved. It is always worth it though.

Angel The Alien said...

I'm getting teary eyed for you and Annie and for all my furry babies that I miss so much. It still baffles me sometimes when I am thinking about one of them, and then realize I will not see them again in this lifetime. But you're right, it is worth it. They give us such a special kind of love. Saying goodbye is part of the experience... by loving an animal you are guaranteeing yourself that heartache... but I agree, it is worth it.

C-ingspots said...

Thank you all so much...I cherish your kindness and your wisdom more than you know.

Mare said...

We put so much of our heart, of ourselves into our animals--dogs, cats, horses, whatever species they happen to be. So many *hugs*...I'm going through this with my older pug and I completely understand<3

Mare said...

We put so much of our heart, of ourselves into our animals--dogs, cats, horses, whatever species they happen to be. So many *hugs*...I'm going through this with my older pug and I completely understand<3

Lea and her Mustangs said...

You said it so well. I have not really recovered from losing Wrangler. Its hard to look out there and not to see the big buckskin. Then our old dog Maggie is getting more stove up by the week - shes old particularly for a lab, then my old mare who is 34. She still seems OK but she is aged. It breaks your heart I know. Like you I know God has it in control and he knows just how I feel Life is what it is. Hang in there, and like you would not have wanted to miss any of it. I have lost parents, parents in law and 2 children, bro in law and several dear friends. Its tough but God is God and I am not. Blessings to you Lori, Lea

fernvalley01 said...

my heart hurts for you on this, I know you will love her to the end and beyond.I wish I could be there to hug you and maybe hold your hand through this. Please know I am thinking of you