This has been a bit of a topsy turvy day for me. It's snowy outside and quite lovely. A true winter wonderland. The temps are hovering in the upper 20's and the sky is blue and the sun is shining. Truly beautiful. One minute I'm all smiles and the next the tears won't stop streaming down my cheeks.
On December 16th, 2005 my beloved momma died. I was fortunate enough to be with her when she went, but I'm not sure she knew I was there. In fact, there were quite a few of us there with her. A couple of my aunts and uncles, a cousin and his wife, one of my sisters and one of my nieces. Momma had fallen asleep in her chair in the living room and everyone was having quiet conversation and checking on her every so often. I was making chilli in the kitchen. One minute she was just sleeping and the next, she was gone. I am eternally thankful for that. She died peacefully in her sleep. But, if I could have but one wish right here and right now...I just want her back. I want to call her up and talk to her again. I want to hear that familiar voice asking me if all the horses are alright; and what are you having for dinner tonight? I want her to say something to irritate me again, so I can say "oh mom" in that tone that was probably all too familiar to her. She knew just how to get my dander up, and in a hurry. I'm sure she enjoyed it. I was always way too easy and she knew just how to push my buttons. I loved her...and I miss her. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and tell her just how much she always meant to me. I'd tell her thanks for all those great lunches she used to pack for me and Shelley when we had to go strawberry picking. And, I'd tell her just how proud of her I was that time when my friend and I got stuck up in the apple tree by the neighbor's mean dog Shep and she just yelled at him and chased him off with a stick. None of the other kid's moms could have done that. And all those times that she drove me and Kelly to the 4-H horse shows and sat in the bleachers freezing in the winter or sweltering in the summer when she could have been at home or doing something that she wanted to be doing. Oh, dear God how I do miss her! She used to scratch our backs for what seemed like hours while we layed over her lap. Nothing in this world ever felt so good. And if I ever needed help - doing anything, all I had to do was call and she'd be on her way. Never any hesitation, she'd just come and help. She could do anything. And, her apple pies. Nobody in this world could bake an apple pie as good as my momma's. Yeah, that's surely what I'd wish for; even for a few minutes just to hug her and let her know that I still miss her. I'd surely try to be more patient with her and overlook some of those things that used to get under my skin. There's just so many things that I'd like to tell her, stuff that's happened since she's been gone, places we've went and good times we've had. It is true about life. It just keeps going on. And there's one thing I know for sure...when a loved one dies, you never truly get over it. The pain does lessen with time, but it never really goes away. I will always miss my mom and wish that she were here, alive and well.
My mom always loved my horses, and I surely do miss having someone ask me about them. She was the only one, besides my dad who really understood just how much they've always meant to me. On a beautiful day like this, we'd probably go for a little walk and end up in the horse barn. Or at least go out to the pasture and watch the horses for a little while and then head back into the house for a hot cup of coffee and get warmed up. And then, she'd probably notice my cobwebs or something and tell me to go get my vacuum and let's get those down from there.
On her worst day, she had more energy and ambition than I usually have on some of my best.
She was a real gem and I was truly blessed to have her as my momma. I just don't think I had her long enough.
Rest in peace sweet momma and when you wake up in the mornin', you'll be smiling with the angels. I'll be seeing you again and we'll have a good time then. Yep, we'll go for a little ride or something. You pick this time. Remember, I'll always love you.
Always and forever,