Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Just One Wish

This has been a bit of a topsy turvy day for me. It's snowy outside and quite lovely. A true winter wonderland. The temps are hovering in the upper 20's and the sky is blue and the sun is shining. Truly beautiful. One minute I'm all smiles and the next the tears won't stop streaming down my cheeks.

On December 16th, 2005 my beloved momma died. I was fortunate enough to be with her when she went, but I'm not sure she knew I was there. In fact, there were quite a few of us there with her. A couple of my aunts and uncles, a cousin and his wife, one of my sisters and one of my nieces. Momma had fallen asleep in her chair in the living room and everyone was having quiet conversation and checking on her every so often. I was making chilli in the kitchen. One minute she was just sleeping and the next, she was gone. I am eternally thankful for that. She died peacefully in her sleep. But, if I could have but one wish right here and right now...I just want her back. I want to call her up and talk to her again. I want to hear that familiar voice asking me if all the horses are alright; and what are you having for dinner tonight? I want her to say something to irritate me again, so I can say "oh mom" in that tone that was probably all too familiar to her. She knew just how to get my dander up, and in a hurry. I'm sure she enjoyed it. I was always way too easy and she knew just how to push my buttons. I loved her...and I miss her. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and tell her just how much she always meant to me. I'd tell her thanks for all those great lunches she used to pack for me and Shelley when we had to go strawberry picking. And, I'd tell her just how proud of her I was that time when my friend and I got stuck up in the apple tree by the neighbor's mean dog Shep and she just yelled at him and chased him off with a stick. None of the other kid's moms could have done that. And all those times that she drove me and Kelly to the 4-H horse shows and sat in the bleachers freezing in the winter or sweltering in the summer when she could have been at home or doing something that she wanted to be doing. Oh, dear God how I do miss her! She used to scratch our backs for what seemed like hours while we layed over her lap. Nothing in this world ever felt so good. And if I ever needed help - doing anything, all I had to do was call and she'd be on her way. Never any hesitation, she'd just come and help. She could do anything. And, her apple pies. Nobody in this world could bake an apple pie as good as my momma's. Yeah, that's surely what I'd wish for; even for a few minutes just to hug her and let her know that I still miss her. I'd surely try to be more patient with her and overlook some of those things that used to get under my skin. There's just so many things that I'd like to tell her, stuff that's happened since she's been gone, places we've went and good times we've had. It is true about life. It just keeps going on. And there's one thing I know for sure...when a loved one dies, you never truly get over it. The pain does lessen with time, but it never really goes away. I will always miss my mom and wish that she were here, alive and well.

My mom always loved my horses, and I surely do miss having someone ask me about them. She was the only one, besides my dad who really understood just how much they've always meant to me. On a beautiful day like this, we'd probably go for a little walk and end up in the horse barn. Or at least go out to the pasture and watch the horses for a little while and then head back into the house for a hot cup of coffee and get warmed up. And then, she'd probably notice my cobwebs or something and tell me to go get my vacuum and let's get those down from there.

On her worst day, she had more energy and ambition than I usually have on some of my best.

She was a real gem and I was truly blessed to have her as my momma. I just don't think I had her long enough.

Rest in peace sweet momma and when you wake up in the mornin', you'll be smiling with the angels. I'll be seeing you again and we'll have a good time then. Yep, we'll go for a little ride or something. You pick this time. Remember, I'll always love you.

Always and forever,

Your Lorie


fernvalley01 said...

My friend, I am sending you the biggest hug! And maybe if I close my eyes and try very hard I can send you some of my christmas magic from yesterday. I am lucky to still have my mom though for a few years it was touch and go ,I can proudly say she is the longest surviving liver transplant patient in Canada! I think I might though understand some of how you are feeling, my Grandmother was one of those people who "just got me" and my horse craziness and always asked about Sunshine especially. Again Love and hugs to you.

Grey Horse Matters said...

Unfortunately, I know just how you feel. I lost my mom 10 years ago and still miss her. She was like your mom, always there for me. She was my best friend. We'll see them again someday.

Lisa said...

I am so sorry you lost your mom - I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. Your writing brought tears to my eyes thinking of how much you miss her and also how much I would miss my own mom if she weren't here.

I'm sorry you are hurting...sending you hugs and wishing you peace.

Train Wreck said...

Oh my dear far away friend! I wish you lived next door. I would run right over, right now, and hug you. I was crying while reading your post. How great that you and your mom had such a wonderful bond. I am sorry you feel pain and loss. I still have my mom. I do know the pain of losing someone though. You are right it only lessens with time. It never goes away. Holidays and the anniversary of their departure are the hardest. My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend. ((hugs))

Fantastyk Voyager said...

Hugs to you! It is so hard around the holidays, isn't it?

allhorsestuff said...

Oh Lorie!
I want to call you up RIGHT NOW!! wish I had your phone # Only if to leave one of my- all the way to the end of the 2 minutes-messages to tell you I am praying for your heart of hearts my sweet freind.
I am very weepy in my spsirit for you and long to let you know, I understand the time warp effect of loosing such a love as your mom!

If you ever have read any of Randy Alcorns's books of Eternity and Heaven... he as a pastor has a special desire for those scriptures,... Know that she may well have the wonderful comfort of knowing exactly what your heart is feeling and she Has all the Love you send her..Love Never Ends.

I'm telling ya, how did you write that..I am bsrely seeing the screen for tears and I am caling my mom up right now to say I love you, pray to see her tomorrow!

Know that we all are with you in Spirit, wrapping our arms of freindship aroud you dear..

KK said...

Sweet, Praying for you and yours this morning...love ya's

Melanie said...

I am so sorry that you lost your mom before it was time. (Not that there is ever a "time" to lose someone, but you know what I mean)
Was she sick at the time, or did she just pass away while sleeping?

It sounds like you had an excellent relationship with her, and that you cherish the memories of your time together.
I will be thinking of you....

C-ingspots said...

Thank you so much for your heartfelt comments. I know there are many who feel the pain of a lossed loved one. It's just really hard on these anniversaries and I had wanted to somehow pay tribute to my mom. I had hoped to have some pictures to share, but didn't get the scanning done. You all make me feel much less lonely and I sincerely thank each one of you from the depths of my heart. Give your momma's a hug for me!

gtyyup said...

Thank you for posting that beautiful tribute. I sometimes get that same feeling..."I should call Mom"...and then realize she's not here to call.

But, they're with us every day I believe.

Hugs to you.

Gail said...

What a wonderful tribute to your mother.
I still think sometime, I will call Mom and then it hits, she's not here...

Donna said...

A lovely tribute, those anniversaries are very hard, especially this time of year.

Jenn said...

The tribute to your mom is just beautiful. She sounds like she was a wonderful woman and a wonderful mother.

I strive to make my mom proud every day...and hope I am raising my girls half as well as she raised me and my sister.

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

I'm so sorry....
I feel like I've been away from your blog and life for so long, and I've missed so much.

I miss your Momma like crazy,too. My own Momma died when I was only 8yrs old, and you're right, I've never truly gotten over it.

Your Momma sounds like every little one's dreams for a Mother too.
How blessed you are to have had someone so special, who truly adored you, in your life for even what seems to be too short of a time.

Hugs to you my dear blog friend,
New Mexico