Monday, August 17, 2015

Some days and Mondays

...really get me down.  I feel worse today than I've felt in a long time.  

I feel exhausted.  Yes, I'm sleeping as well as I normally do.  This is mental fatigue, pure and simple.  Disappointment, dissatisfaction, so many descriptive words come to mine.  A blogger friend that I've been reading and following her life for 7-8 years, lost her husband this weekend.  I don't know any details other than it was described as an accident involving him and his cousin.  They were both killed.  This guy, TW's husband, was her soulmate.  They had children and had been married for a good, long while.  He was pretty much her life and it's just such a damned shame!  I cannot even imagine the pain she's feeling.  I just can't.  To love someone that much and to lose them so suddenly...I just don't know how a person handles that.  And then moves on with life.  How in the hell would you do that!?  I don't know, but I'd describe their marriage as 1 in a million.  Truly happy and complete only when they're together.  Just knocked the wind right out of my sails.  Sorta like being slapped in the face and putting my troubles into perspective.

We had another busy weekend.  Nothing new there...went to a 50th birthday BBQ for my niece.  Oh boy,  family events are always so trying and so emotional for me.  I kind of hate them.  We've all changed so much, or maybe I'm the one who's changed and I just don't feel like I even know them, or can relate to them anymore.  Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, but I just want to climb the walls, run out screaming in frustration when I'm around them.  Not always, but too much of the time.  By the time we've been there for a while, I feel like I've had the life sucked right out of me, and I just need to lay down and die.  Sounds dramatic right?  Well, I'm not exaggerating.  Seriously.  I cannot wait to get out of there!  I love them, but I don't like them anymore.  I can't even remember when my sister, my nieces, anybody...has even asked, "how's everything with you?".  They just rattle on in their overly loud voices, repeating themselves about all the trauma and drama in their lives, how everyone is trying to "screw" them and how everything's just not fair!!  Blah blah blah blah...God help me, I just want to scream that all their poor choices are the only reason that their lives are so screwed up!!!  But, I don't.  I just sit there trying to politely listen, and care.  But then I have to go get a breath of fresh air, and whisper a little prayer for patience and compassion, and hope it's not too early to go home.  I sound just awful don't I?  I know.

Anyway, I rode Eagle on Saturday.  Maybe because I was feeling anxious about riding him through the orchard for the first time, maybe not; but I was feeling fearful and timid right from the get-go.  I tried to overcome, breathe deep, and run through all our warm-up exercises, but it was just ok.  Eagle felt my trepidation and responded accordingly.  Then I mounted up to head out, with my husband on Missy (the perfect, quiet little mare), Eagle moved away before I asked him to, the branch of the tree brushed his rump and he spooked a little bit.  I had my inside rein shorter because I'd just mounted up, which was a good thing because we had to circle and circle just to get him to relax.  This certainly didn't help my anxiety.  So we headed out, and immediately Eags was VERY strong and pumped and happy to be going somewhere outside of the ring.  I tried a few one-rein stops to kind of re-boot him and get his attention on me.  He just kept circling and circling and circling, without stopping.  My level of discomfort grew and grew, so we straightened out and just tried walking on.  Again, with the being very, very strong and not responsive to my legs or reins.  I felt myself start to panic, and I had to have my husband stand his horse to block our path so I could comfortably dismount.  All I could do was cry.  I was so disgusted with myself.  It really wasn't Eagle's fault.  He was happy and up and forward to be going somewhere.  Had it been Rachel, or anybody else with some confidence, I'm certain he would have worked through it and relaxed.  But with me feeling the way I was feeling, it just wasn't going to happen.  So I walked him back home, got back on for a short time in the round pen, and put him away.  Sunday I didn't get the chance to ride, did laundry, house cleaning and too many other obligations to ride.  So here we are today, and this day has just sucked.  Totally.

My boss was late to both of his morning appointments and once again I had to listen to the clients' complaints, threats of leaving us and general displeasure.  I'm so tired of covering for his lack of respect for peoples' time.  And of course the phones were ringing off the hook, emergencies and every single person thinks they are the most import person ever to have lived!!!  Like I said, I am tired.  Today, I kind of hate people and just wish I was leaving for a very much-needed vacation somewhere quiet.  Oh, so quiet.  Something's just gotta give...or I feel like I'm gonna blow.

I've tried to keep my issues in perspective, have spent some time in prayer and reading.  I always give thanks for so many blessings in my life, but I feel so broken, so messed up and oh, so tired. Today really does kind of suck.  I'm hoping that this evening I can spend some quiet and peaceful time with my horses and just enjoy being with them.  No pressure, no worries.  Just be and soak up some of their goodness, and relax.

If you're the praying kind, there is a lovely lady, her children, and a whole big family mourning a huge loss today, there are forest fires raging all around the PNW, people's homes have been lost and fire fighters are risking their lives to contain the fires.  Please take a moment and offer up a prayer for these people.  The power of prayer is simply amazing.

Blessings to all, and hoping for a brighter tomorrow.  Or at least a more peaceful one...



Kate said...

Sometimes things are just hard - no reason, that's just the way they are. And when they're hard all at once, that makes things worse.

Wish I could be there to give you a hug - virtual hug will have to do.

Just be you, and breathe, and care like you do - it won't fix everything but that's OK too.

Peace and blessings.

Annette Mickelson said...

It sounds like you got hit with a bunch of difficult things all at once. Sending you a hug. Oh, and I don't like my family either. I completely relate to your feelings on that front.

Michaele said...

Oh gosh. One thing after another. And the horse sensed your emotional state. You really need a break or a release or a nice glass of wine and a good movie. My family drains me when we are together too. Even when it's my own kids. I am trying to figure out how that is happening and get it stopped. Have you ever tried meditation?

T.L. Merrybard said...

Man, that's one rough time you're having there, Lorie! (((HUGS))) No you aren't an awful person. I only have a few family members like that and I find them draining too. Benefit of chronic lyme number 20: Not having the energy to go to big family dos any more! If they bitch about me not going, who cares, I'm not there to hear it. :)

Sorry about Eags. I found my own lyme induced anxiety made me much less of a good horse person. They do pick up on it. He may just be 'too much horse' for you to ride out at this time. There's no shame in that. Horse/human matches are as important as marriages!

I'm really sorry for your friend. My soul mate is my hubby and he rides a motorbike. Every day when he gets home I thank the universe for keeping him safe another day. My sister lost her partner suddenly many years ago and I know how fast things can change.

aurora said...

Lorie, I'm glad you referenced this post - or I would have missed it entirely. You are the furthest thing from an awful person that there is! Few people truly love everything about family gatherings, and most of those are living in denial about how wonderful their own lives are. You know, the "perfect" people...give a listen to Kacey Musgraves new song "Family is Family" it will make you :)

As for your ride with Eagle, well, you already know. Sigh. Sometimes the things you want the most are the hardest. Believe there will be better rides in your future. I know your journey to trail riding Eagle is not the way you envisioned it. Can Rachel come to your place for a ride or trailer somewhere to ride together (off her property)? It's really helpful to work kinks out that way. I know the logistics & cost are prohibitive, but your safety & peace of mind are worth it. Even if you have to do it 100 times, on that 101 time - you will be in the right frame of mind. You know I totally get it, and am living my own related struggles. I wish it was easy, but furthest thing from it...

I'm so sorry to hear about your friends soulmate. If anything happened to mine, I would lose my everything. Agreed, perhaps check into meditation. Not necessary to have a full regular mediation practice (altho I imagine they are nothing but lovely). With most things, it totally depends on who/how you learn. The key IMHO is relating to it personally. To some degree meditation can be done anywhere, at any time, for any length of time. Similar to your praying & spending quiet time with horses. It also quiets the mind and is healing. For me, I do shorter meditation pre & post yoga - and at other key times (like sticky horse time). I myself could use a lot more of's lovely.

C-ingspots said...

I appreciate you all so much...thank you for all your thoughts and advice. It really does help hearing from all of you, so thanks! I've never thought much about meditation, but yoga has always interested me. I'd really enjoy the quiet and the stretching, just wouldn't want it to become all mystical or anything.